I'm sorry, is my VANIGA making you uncomfortable?

11/13/09

  

   Here’s a fucking rant for you. It’s been a while, and I hope I can get this all in before my battery dies on my computer. Why this chaps my hide SO much is a mystery.... ok maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s perfectly clear why it pisses me off so much. WHAT PISSES YOU OFF SO MUCH MICHELLE?!?!?! When people refer to God as HE. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK?!?! I’m sorry, have you actually MET God? Right. NO. So how the FUCK do you know it’s a HE? Right. You don’t. I would like to take this time to remind folks that the Bible was written in a time when women were considered PROPERTY and stoned to death for being RAPED. The insertion of HE to describe God came from a mind set that men were the absolute rulers and women were there to serve them. How convenient for them that God is a male.

   I would apologize for the volatility of this rant, but I’m not really sorry. This rant comes on the heels of a week FULL incidents that have me FED UP with male dominance and privilege- and that includes men of ALL races, not just white men. Somehow, if you have a dick between your legs, you are entitled to the following:

1) touching, gawking, groping, and talking to any female you wish. No matter how much she avoids eye contact with you.

2) Your are automatically given the right to be the first to pass through a 4 way stop, no matter when you actually pulled up to the intersection.

3) When standing in line for anything, you have the right to cut in front of people.

4) And last but not least, you have the natural propensity to sit there and wonder why everyone around you is not kissing your ass and praising you for how fucking brilliant you are.

Oh yea, I forgot this one: You think that you know how to pack moving trucks. You don’t. Men have distorted vision when it come to “making things fit” Please, if there are any men reading, the next time you help someone move, let the women arrange the truck. We’ll get it done in one shot.

But I digress. My butt puckers, just like it did before my mom was going to swat my bare ass with her “paddle” (a thin board with the words “Pat’s beatin’ stick”) when I here anyone, but especially women say “HE” when referring to God. LADIES! And hell- EVERYONE! God does not have a penis OR vagina!!!! For crying out loud!!! WTF?!?!?!? I can’t take it anymore! 

   You may be saying “Michelle, this is funny. But What the FUCK does it have to do with spirituality?” And to that I would say (in the mood I’m in right now) It’s my fucking blog!! I can’t write whatever the fuck I want! But in a different mood, I would say “ it’s about oppression. None of us are free, until ALL of us are free” All of the “isms” suck ass. Racism, classism, ism, ism, ism. But the one that cuts through ALL of that is sexism. In just about every culture and subculture, women are not equal. Lord have mercy when the day comes when women unite and say ENOUGH. We want equal pay, equal rights, equal opportunity etc., etc. This is my hope: That some day, in the not to distant future, ALL of the women in the world will be on the same menstrual cycle. Any men reading this are cringing right now, and women are saying “fuck yea!” Can you imagine? All of the women in the world saying “ENOUGH!!! You mother fuckers are going to learn to cook, talk to me with respect, PAY me the same rate that you get paid, give me that goddamn job that I deserve, and learn to wipe your ASS or wash your OWN fucking laundry!!”..... Terrifying isn’t it?

   But the underlying issue that really sticks in my craw is this: when, where and who taught us that how we’re inequitably treated, it’s  is OK?? And Why? Simple: Patriarchy, and fear. Well, I suppose it can just be boiled down to fear. Fear on men’s parts for losing the power that they so unconsciously hold in our society, and fear on the part of women for learning how powerful we really are. Chew on that on ladies. How many women do you know that constantly sabotage their dreams from coming true? How many of us perpetually set aside ambitions because we never “have the time” and yet find the time to do plenty of other things that aren’t as fulfilling as pursuing our dreams? Fear. That’s what keeps us from these things. 

   Fear is poison. Truer words were never spoken than “we have nothing to fear, but fear itself” Fear keeps us from taking chances, and CHANCES are the ONLY way to grow, evolve, find true love, and be happy. Fearlessness, is the tonic we all crave. Some of us get uncomfortable just thinking about the word. Fears are our guide posts to where we need be looking to find, and bring us closer to our deepest, truest selves. Fear has been used-and is still being used- to control people and to keep those in power, in power. This is everywhere! Governments, abusive relationships, greedy corporate types. These ASSholes use fear and hatred like weapons of mass destruction.... and not just a little bit. That’s EXACTLY what they’re doing!! Destroying our country!!!!  AND THE MASSES ARE JUST BENDING OVER AND TAKING IT UP THE ASS DRY!!!! I’ve been called many things in my life... you name it. And I know that the passion and disgust I display for the direction this country has been taken in makes many people uncomfortable. But guess what? It’s people like me that you can thank when you you don’t have “health” insurance and your kid or mother gets hit by a car and they get taken to the hospital and you don’t have to pay a fucking DIME to save their life. Why? BECAUSE WE’RE FIGHTERS!!! The world needs those who are willing to stand up and say ENOUGH! 

   I’m a fighter. A warrior. Someone who stands up for what I believe in, and am willing to take a stand when something is seriously FUCKED. For a looong time I tried to stuff that warrior and fighter. I was made to believe that that part of myself was bad and should be contained. Why? BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH A VAGINA!!! If I was  a DUDE I would simply be.... passionate or strong. I would be a protector. I would be...... righteous.

   I always come back to this analogy: Sometimes, the bully on the playground doesn’t stop until he gets his ass kicked. Then he shuts the fuck up. I am not advocating perpetuating the cycle of violence, but I have this very clear memory of when I was a little kid. My mom was cooking something, and I decided that it would be fun to go up behind her and bite her ass. I think I was maybe 6 or 7. She screamed in agony, turned right around and bit my arm. Then I screamed. She said “hurts doesn’t it!?!”  “yes” I said through my tears. What’s my point? My point is telling someone calmly that what they are doing or saying hurts, doesn’t mean anything to them if they have no personal experience with that pain. 

   Fact: you never know what someone else may be going through unless you have been there yourself. You can have an appreciation and empathy for it, but the magnitude and scope of their experience is known only to them. 

   And now, I will go back to bed.

This rant is powered by the letter V for VAGINA, menopause, and the fact that women STILL make 73¢ for every dollar a man makes. 

When LOVE comes a knockin’ you best have your shit together.

10/25/09

How many of you have a love in your past that you still wonder about? Still wonder that if you had said or done something differently, you would still be together? I’m a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason” but god DAMN it, doesn’t it just eat you alive sometimes wondering if it could have worked our with that someone? That fact is, you may never know, and you just have to fucking deal with it. The Universe serves us up exactly what we need, when we need it, how we need and with whom we need it with. There are no mistakes in its’ Grand Scheme. But GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK wouldn’t it be nice to know in advance sometimes??? Wouldn’t it be great if we could get a glimpse of the future with someone? If we knew that this person was going to fuck you over? This one you will have really hot sex with, but she’s a fucking nut case... this one you will fall madly in love with, AND have really hot sex with, but YOU are going to fuck that one up etc., etc.?? HUH??

Of course it would awesome to have that info. But what would we learn about ourselves then? Not a damn thing. This is what is wrong with our society today. We want everything yesterday. We feel entitled to everything under the sun whether we’ve earned it or not. We deserve to be happy, we deserve to have money, we deserve have creature comforts. And we do. But this shit isn’t just handed to us simply because we were born! Life is an obstacle course, that we have to navigate, strategize, and skillfully plot through.  And for any Aikidoists out there: Life is nage, and your job is to be the best uke you can be. And there is someone watching us veerrryy carefully. It’s called our higher selves. 

Love makes is do some seriously crazy shit. We will sell our souls (literally) for possibility of having love in our lives. When we first meet someone that we think will make us feel the euphoria of falling in love, we are on our best behavior. We go to extraordinary lengths to ensure this “possible love source” will want to keep coming back for more. We are SO attached to what we think they can offer us that we literally alter our behavior. We create a false environment that keeps the euphoria alive. Kind of like a petri dish with a new species in it. The real test is when the experiment attempts to live outside of it’s controlled environment. It is only then that you know that your fledgling organism will really survive.

I’m all for falling in love. I love falling in love. I love the sensations you feel when you meet someone who touches you in a way that makes you lose you mind. But they’re just that: sensations. Those butterflies and week knees have nothing to do with whether you’re actually compatible with someone. They tell you to pay attention, that this person had something for you, but not if you’re going to drive each other NUTS in three months.

For a long time I wondered, and to a large extent still do, if it is even possible to feel love, other than the love of the Universe. As human beings, love is a series of chemicals that are released in our bodies. I often wonder, where does that chain reaction end, and true love begin? The deepest, truest love that exists, is the love that one has with God. So why even try to find that in another human? I guess it is possible, if that other human also held the same belief, and you connected through your mutual love of God. But this brings in to question how deeply do you connect with God or the Universe? And how deeply is this other person connected to it?

Let me also say that I think there are many, many kinds of love. Transitory love, Universal love, unconditional love, the list goes on. And they all have their place in our lives. But many of these forms of love end when we leave our bodies. The kind of love that I quest for is that which is eternal. The kind of love that is with you from the second you are born until the moment you die. Of course the rub is that, that kind of love is, in fact, always with you whether you’re conscious of it or not. I think we spend all this energy trying to connect with others in an attempt to find, and touch that love in ourselves. You can only love others to the extent that you love yourself. You can only experience the kinds of love in others, that you allow yourself to experience in your own skin. Total acceptance and love of your self leads to total love and acceptance of other, NOT the other way around. 

THAT is why the mirror of relationship is so important. The relationships we find ourselves in show us where we need to go and what we need to nurture in ourselves. You can bet that the things that piss you off about someone else, are the things you are most blind to in yourself. I fucking hate that one. 

I believe that I am contemplated out. That is all for now. If you have love in your life, be thankful for it.

Perspective

9/23/09

  I am, once again, sitting on my deck having my breakfast and tea, and I notice this fly  perched on the banister. It appears to be doing the same thing I am, (minus the breakfast of course, but who knows, maybe there’s some little fly tea I know nothing about) taking in this beautiful morning, basking in the remaining days of morning sunlight. Perhaps my little friend is even marveling at the beauty of this fine beginning of the day.

   As I look at my morning companion, I wonder what does this fly think about, if it only lives for a week or so (I have no idea how long a fly lives)? Does it think at all, or does it simply go about it’s day executing what is in it’s DNA? Does it question anything? Probably not. But then, I got to thinking about what my life would be like if I only lived for a week. What worries would I simply not pay any attention to anymore? Who, out of all the people I know, would I most want to spend time with? What would I focus on doing? Would I want to make more money? Do more martial arts? Meditate more?

  The first thing that pops into my head is that I would definitely do more martial arts, and meditate more. In fact, I don’t know that I would even do anything else. And as for the people I would spend time with, definitely my Grandparents and mother, but, I would think about who had faith in me all along. Who are those who saw through all of my issues I had to contend with as a child and young adult, and LOVED ME ANYWAY ? Who are those that saw the core of who I am, and who I could, and would  become? And to those people, I would say thank you. Making more money certainly doesn’t even make the top 5.

  I would sell everything and buy an RV and live out of it. For my week of life. I would make sure that no gratitude, apologies, or love went unsaid. I would sit in nature and take her in, in every possible way, and be reborn in every  minute of it. 

  It’s interesting to think about this from the perspective of living, rather thank dying. I think many of us have thought about what we would do if we only had one week to live. And I think this is a very valuable thing to check in with once in a while. I also think when I contemplate my life from this place, there is a heaviness to the things I choose, and sometimes even a sense of urgency or panic that constricts and controls the choices I make when looking at my life through that lens. Looking at my life from the perspective of having a lifespan of only one week sets me free from any obligations or burdens I may have in the life I’m living right now.

  So my friend, what would YOU do if your lifespan was one week? What would change? What would you stop worrying about? Who would you express love to? Who would you drop like a hot potato? Where would you take yourself? What would you choose to listen to? What voice in your head? What music, what sounds in nature, what part of your body? What are you thirsty for??? Now is the time my friend. It is always, the time.

God/the Universe is always right

9/21/09

 I’m sitting here on my deck, and I was wondering, as I was looking at this outstanding view and how it’s even more outstanding from the hippies decks, do good things ever really happen to good people? Is there such a thing as a wonderful person having riches beyond belief, and a loving family? Why does it always seem to be that the people that make other people’s lives uncomfortable, or even unbearable, seem to end up with the finer things? Let set the record straight: I do believe you can have both. It just doesn’t seem to be how the world actually works. I got to thinking what is the mind set of “asshole” versus “nice person” And I wondered: is it because assholes just flat out don’t see any reason why they can’t have everything they want? While “nice people” spend way to much time wondering if they deserve it? And by wondering, they do not have clear desires? Or in some cases don’t believe that they even deserve to have a good life. That to suffer as Jesus did is the ultimate way to live one’s life so that you are assured your place amongst heros in Heaven? It just struck me as odd. I mean, people can believe anything they want to. Everyone has their own path to blaze and live. But there are certain inevitable truths, and one of them is, we all deserve to be truly happy. We all deserve to live this life to the fullest of our potential, and in fact, God or the Universe is waiting for us to do just that. The Universe KNOWS what it’s doing people. This is the big fucking plane writing in the sky that is big enough for everyone to see, that nobody pays attention to. Everyday we wake up, God is sitting at our bedside, looking at us. Thinking “are you going to decide to be happy and fulfill your life’s passion? Or are you going to choose to be a miserable little fuck again and continue to lament this amazing opportunity you have called LIFE? You could just start walking the path I laid out for you so you can be as happy- no happier than you ever dreamed?? Anytime. Seriously. For real. The choice is yours my friend.”

   Yes. God is sitting at your bedside EVERY freakin’ morning. How’s THAT for a good old fashioned Catholic Guilt Trip?? But the essence of it is true. The Universe really is just waiting for us to find that which we love the most in this world, and DO IT

.

   Even just now I caught myself sabotaging my passion. I’ve been thinking that I want to  be a spiritual teacher, maybe write about it, maybe even write a book someday, and just this morning I thought “ I’m going to start a blog about my own spiritual path” So I’ve been writing this morning. I’ve had a nasty flu for the last 5 days and I ain’t doing nothing until it’s GONE. I have a few things to do today but literally, I have ALL DAY to do them. I’m on  a roll this morning with the writing. Words are flowing, ideas are streaming out of my head like an uncapped fire hydrant and what do I do? I catch myself saying “ I have to go run my errands :( wah! I wish I had more time to write, I’m on a roll :( wahhh poor me” Thank GOD I caught myself! I said “bitch, what the hell else are you going to do today huh? Run a marathon? Go workout? I don’t think so.” So  here I am spewing all the Universe’s tidings for us all to behold. Well, not all of us. :) 

But I digress.

   The other oddity of the human condition is the aversion to self love. It’s taken me literally 40 years to learn how to love myself. And yet, there are those who think I’m cocky or irreverent for doing so. If I don’t love myself, how on Earth can I expect anyone else to?? HUH?? It’s not gonna happen. If I don’t love myself, my life is going to be unbearable! I am the only one who I’m going to be with 24/7. Not one single person I will ever meet in my entire life will ever be with me as much as me. So, I best learn to love the one within my skin. Hey- that’s catchy. Write it down and put it on your refrigerator. Learn to love the one within your skin. You might just find that he or she much more magnificent than you ever, ever knew.

  We spend FAR to much time upholding the images, limitations, and beliefs about who we are that have been put on us by ourselves, our families, and, our society.  Still to this day there are things that, because of our gender, we tell ourselves we can’t do. What the HELL?? GUESS WHAT?!?! WE CAN DO WHAT EVER THE HELL WE WANT TO DO!!!!!!  There are many, many things that we may choose not to do  because they would be hurtful or destructive (and that’s a good thing) but nothing sets me off like someone saying “I can’t” In some meek little tiny Cinderella voice!! God DAMN that pisses me off! Let your tongue LOOSE and RROOOOAARRRRR  like the biggest fucking lion that ever walked this beautiful planet of ours!! Come on!!! What in the world do you have to lose? The worst that can happen is that you lose the attention of someone who isn’t supporting you anyway. 

   You know, I LOVED turning 40. Even though it was undoubtedly one of the darkest, toughest times in my life for many reasons (the short list: divorce, getting screwed, lost wallet, IRS troubles, moving, hysterectomy, all in the same 7 months) I woke up that morning, pulled back the curtain and said out loud “ get the FUCK outta my way world ‘cause HERE I COME” And I am. I’ve come to realize that literally every single thing that happens has a purpose. IF, you choose to see it that way. This rant wouldn’t be happening if I hadn’t become violently ill. And when I was absolutely miserable and wishing for someone to put me out of my misery, I heard a very faint voice saying “this has a purpose right?” And it did. I’m writing this piece, and I have decided to start a blog. Something I have said I have always wanted to do.

   Of course, we are always free to choose pain, suffering, and non-fulfilling lives any times we like. You could choose to keep going to a job that you hate. You could choose to continue a relationship that doesn’t feed you. You could choose to see your life as a means to an end. Or, you could choose to see you life as a means to live. 

   What would it feel like to know that you have absolute power to choose the life that you dream about? What would you change? How would your morning routine change? How would your relationships change? Would they be based on mutual respect and love? Would you wake up happy to be alive and, dare I say, EXCITED about the day ahead of you? What a concept huh?

  Now, let me be clear: I’m not suggesting that you quit your job, leave your family and move to Mexico. But I am suggesting that there is a way for you to have the life that you are meant to be living. And I’m not talking about some Harlequin romance fantasy (although there’s nothing wrong with fantasy) ;) That said, if that’s what you truly want to do, and it’s not hurting anyone, have at it! If it is truly what you are meant to be doing, it will manifest. And it might not be recognizable at first. At the onset of this flu I have, writing and beginning a new blog were not anywhere on my radar. So, I have no idea how this is going to evolve or what will come of it, but, here it goes. Go forth, and conquer your own life, master yourself, learn to love yourself. The Universe is watching, and waiting to see what you do so it can support you. Honest.

Your comrade on the journey,