9/21/09
I’m sitting here on my deck, and I was wondering, as I was looking at this outstanding view and how it’s even more outstanding from the hippies decks, do good things ever really happen to good people? Is there such a thing as a wonderful person having riches beyond belief, and a loving family? Why does it always seem to be that the people that make other people’s lives uncomfortable, or even unbearable, seem to end up with the finer things? Let set the record straight: I do believe you can have both. It just doesn’t seem to be how the world actually works. I got to thinking what is the mind set of “asshole” versus “nice person” And I wondered: is it because assholes just flat out don’t see any reason why they can’t have everything they want? While “nice people” spend way to much time wondering if they deserve it? And by wondering, they do not have clear desires? Or in some cases don’t believe that they even deserve to have a good life. That to suffer as Jesus did is the ultimate way to live one’s life so that you are assured your place amongst heros in Heaven? It just struck me as odd. I mean, people can believe anything they want to. Everyone has their own path to blaze and live. But there are certain inevitable truths, and one of them is, we all deserve to be truly happy. We all deserve to live this life to the fullest of our potential, and in fact, God or the Universe is waiting for us to do just that. The Universe KNOWS what it’s doing people. This is the big fucking plane writing in the sky that is big enough for everyone to see, that nobody pays attention to. Everyday we wake up, God is sitting at our bedside, looking at us. Thinking “are you going to decide to be happy and fulfill your life’s passion? Or are you going to choose to be a miserable little fuck again and continue to lament this amazing opportunity you have called LIFE? You could just start walking the path I laid out for you so you can be as happy- no happier than you ever dreamed?? Anytime. Seriously. For real. The choice is yours my friend.”
Yes. God is sitting at your bedside EVERY freakin’ morning. How’s THAT for a good old fashioned Catholic Guilt Trip?? But the essence of it is true. The Universe really is just waiting for us to find that which we love the most in this world, and DO IT
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Even just now I caught myself sabotaging my passion. I’ve been thinking that I want to be a spiritual teacher, maybe write about it, maybe even write a book someday, and just this morning I thought “ I’m going to start a blog about my own spiritual path” So I’ve been writing this morning. I’ve had a nasty flu for the last 5 days and I ain’t doing nothing until it’s GONE. I have a few things to do today but literally, I have ALL DAY to do them. I’m on a roll this morning with the writing. Words are flowing, ideas are streaming out of my head like an uncapped fire hydrant and what do I do? I catch myself saying “ I have to go run my errands :( wah! I wish I had more time to write, I’m on a roll :( wahhh poor me” Thank GOD I caught myself! I said “bitch, what the hell else are you going to do today huh? Run a marathon? Go workout? I don’t think so.” So here I am spewing all the Universe’s tidings for us all to behold. Well, not all of us. :)
But I digress.
The other oddity of the human condition is the aversion to self love. It’s taken me literally 40 years to learn how to love myself. And yet, there are those who think I’m cocky or irreverent for doing so. If I don’t love myself, how on Earth can I expect anyone else to?? HUH?? It’s not gonna happen. If I don’t love myself, my life is going to be unbearable! I am the only one who I’m going to be with 24/7. Not one single person I will ever meet in my entire life will ever be with me as much as me. So, I best learn to love the one within my skin. Hey- that’s catchy. Write it down and put it on your refrigerator. Learn to love the one within your skin. You might just find that he or she much more magnificent than you ever, ever knew.
We spend FAR to much time upholding the images, limitations, and beliefs about who we are that have been put on us by ourselves, our families, and, our society. Still to this day there are things that, because of our gender, we tell ourselves we can’t do. What the HELL?? GUESS WHAT?!?! WE CAN DO WHAT EVER THE HELL WE WANT TO DO!!!!!! There are many, many things that we may choose not to do because they would be hurtful or destructive (and that’s a good thing) but nothing sets me off like someone saying “I can’t” In some meek little tiny Cinderella voice!! God DAMN that pisses me off! Let your tongue LOOSE and RROOOOAARRRRR like the biggest fucking lion that ever walked this beautiful planet of ours!! Come on!!! What in the world do you have to lose? The worst that can happen is that you lose the attention of someone who isn’t supporting you anyway.
You know, I LOVED turning 40. Even though it was undoubtedly one of the darkest, toughest times in my life for many reasons (the short list: divorce, getting screwed, lost wallet, IRS troubles, moving, hysterectomy, all in the same 7 months) I woke up that morning, pulled back the curtain and said out loud “ get the FUCK outta my way world ‘cause HERE I COME” And I am. I’ve come to realize that literally every single thing that happens has a purpose. IF, you choose to see it that way. This rant wouldn’t be happening if I hadn’t become violently ill. And when I was absolutely miserable and wishing for someone to put me out of my misery, I heard a very faint voice saying “this has a purpose right?” And it did. I’m writing this piece, and I have decided to start a blog. Something I have said I have always wanted to do.
Of course, we are always free to choose pain, suffering, and non-fulfilling lives any times we like. You could choose to keep going to a job that you hate. You could choose to continue a relationship that doesn’t feed you. You could choose to see your life as a means to an end. Or, you could choose to see you life as a means to live.
What would it feel like to know that you have absolute power to choose the life that you dream about? What would you change? How would your morning routine change? How would your relationships change? Would they be based on mutual respect and love? Would you wake up happy to be alive and, dare I say, EXCITED about the day ahead of you? What a concept huh?
Now, let me be clear: I’m not suggesting that you quit your job, leave your family and move to Mexico. But I am suggesting that there is a way for you to have the life that you are meant to be living. And I’m not talking about some Harlequin romance fantasy (although there’s nothing wrong with fantasy) ;) That said, if that’s what you truly want to do, and it’s not hurting anyone, have at it! If it is truly what you are meant to be doing, it will manifest. And it might not be recognizable at first. At the onset of this flu I have, writing and beginning a new blog were not anywhere on my radar. So, I have no idea how this is going to evolve or what will come of it, but, here it goes. Go forth, and conquer your own life, master yourself, learn to love yourself. The Universe is watching, and waiting to see what you do so it can support you. Honest.
Your comrade on the journey,
