When LOVE comes a knockin’ you best have your shit together.

10/25/09

How many of you have a love in your past that you still wonder about? Still wonder that if you had said or done something differently, you would still be together? I’m a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason” but god DAMN it, doesn’t it just eat you alive sometimes wondering if it could have worked our with that someone? That fact is, you may never know, and you just have to fucking deal with it. The Universe serves us up exactly what we need, when we need it, how we need and with whom we need it with. There are no mistakes in its’ Grand Scheme. But GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK wouldn’t it be nice to know in advance sometimes??? Wouldn’t it be great if we could get a glimpse of the future with someone? If we knew that this person was going to fuck you over? This one you will have really hot sex with, but she’s a fucking nut case... this one you will fall madly in love with, AND have really hot sex with, but YOU are going to fuck that one up etc., etc.?? HUH??

Of course it would awesome to have that info. But what would we learn about ourselves then? Not a damn thing. This is what is wrong with our society today. We want everything yesterday. We feel entitled to everything under the sun whether we’ve earned it or not. We deserve to be happy, we deserve to have money, we deserve have creature comforts. And we do. But this shit isn’t just handed to us simply because we were born! Life is an obstacle course, that we have to navigate, strategize, and skillfully plot through.  And for any Aikidoists out there: Life is nage, and your job is to be the best uke you can be. And there is someone watching us veerrryy carefully. It’s called our higher selves. 

Love makes is do some seriously crazy shit. We will sell our souls (literally) for possibility of having love in our lives. When we first meet someone that we think will make us feel the euphoria of falling in love, we are on our best behavior. We go to extraordinary lengths to ensure this “possible love source” will want to keep coming back for more. We are SO attached to what we think they can offer us that we literally alter our behavior. We create a false environment that keeps the euphoria alive. Kind of like a petri dish with a new species in it. The real test is when the experiment attempts to live outside of it’s controlled environment. It is only then that you know that your fledgling organism will really survive.

I’m all for falling in love. I love falling in love. I love the sensations you feel when you meet someone who touches you in a way that makes you lose you mind. But they’re just that: sensations. Those butterflies and week knees have nothing to do with whether you’re actually compatible with someone. They tell you to pay attention, that this person had something for you, but not if you’re going to drive each other NUTS in three months.

For a long time I wondered, and to a large extent still do, if it is even possible to feel love, other than the love of the Universe. As human beings, love is a series of chemicals that are released in our bodies. I often wonder, where does that chain reaction end, and true love begin? The deepest, truest love that exists, is the love that one has with God. So why even try to find that in another human? I guess it is possible, if that other human also held the same belief, and you connected through your mutual love of God. But this brings in to question how deeply do you connect with God or the Universe? And how deeply is this other person connected to it?

Let me also say that I think there are many, many kinds of love. Transitory love, Universal love, unconditional love, the list goes on. And they all have their place in our lives. But many of these forms of love end when we leave our bodies. The kind of love that I quest for is that which is eternal. The kind of love that is with you from the second you are born until the moment you die. Of course the rub is that, that kind of love is, in fact, always with you whether you’re conscious of it or not. I think we spend all this energy trying to connect with others in an attempt to find, and touch that love in ourselves. You can only love others to the extent that you love yourself. You can only experience the kinds of love in others, that you allow yourself to experience in your own skin. Total acceptance and love of your self leads to total love and acceptance of other, NOT the other way around. 

THAT is why the mirror of relationship is so important. The relationships we find ourselves in show us where we need to go and what we need to nurture in ourselves. You can bet that the things that piss you off about someone else, are the things you are most blind to in yourself. I fucking hate that one. 

I believe that I am contemplated out. That is all for now. If you have love in your life, be thankful for it.

Perspective

9/23/09

  I am, once again, sitting on my deck having my breakfast and tea, and I notice this fly  perched on the banister. It appears to be doing the same thing I am, (minus the breakfast of course, but who knows, maybe there’s some little fly tea I know nothing about) taking in this beautiful morning, basking in the remaining days of morning sunlight. Perhaps my little friend is even marveling at the beauty of this fine beginning of the day.

   As I look at my morning companion, I wonder what does this fly think about, if it only lives for a week or so (I have no idea how long a fly lives)? Does it think at all, or does it simply go about it’s day executing what is in it’s DNA? Does it question anything? Probably not. But then, I got to thinking about what my life would be like if I only lived for a week. What worries would I simply not pay any attention to anymore? Who, out of all the people I know, would I most want to spend time with? What would I focus on doing? Would I want to make more money? Do more martial arts? Meditate more?

  The first thing that pops into my head is that I would definitely do more martial arts, and meditate more. In fact, I don’t know that I would even do anything else. And as for the people I would spend time with, definitely my Grandparents and mother, but, I would think about who had faith in me all along. Who are those who saw through all of my issues I had to contend with as a child and young adult, and LOVED ME ANYWAY ? Who are those that saw the core of who I am, and who I could, and would  become? And to those people, I would say thank you. Making more money certainly doesn’t even make the top 5.

  I would sell everything and buy an RV and live out of it. For my week of life. I would make sure that no gratitude, apologies, or love went unsaid. I would sit in nature and take her in, in every possible way, and be reborn in every  minute of it. 

  It’s interesting to think about this from the perspective of living, rather thank dying. I think many of us have thought about what we would do if we only had one week to live. And I think this is a very valuable thing to check in with once in a while. I also think when I contemplate my life from this place, there is a heaviness to the things I choose, and sometimes even a sense of urgency or panic that constricts and controls the choices I make when looking at my life through that lens. Looking at my life from the perspective of having a lifespan of only one week sets me free from any obligations or burdens I may have in the life I’m living right now.

  So my friend, what would YOU do if your lifespan was one week? What would change? What would you stop worrying about? Who would you express love to? Who would you drop like a hot potato? Where would you take yourself? What would you choose to listen to? What voice in your head? What music, what sounds in nature, what part of your body? What are you thirsty for??? Now is the time my friend. It is always, the time.