Buh bye Negative Nelly

7/30/11

I’ve been going through A LOT of changes, and having a lot of dialogue in my head about them all. I feel as though I’ve taken a step towards living the life I want to be living, meant to be living, and I feel like I’ve gotten stuck somehow. Like there’s a part of me that is saying “wait wait waaaiiitttt a minute here! Aren’t you supposed to be feeling lost, tortured and frustrated?” And to that voice I say- fuck off. No. I’m actually NOT supposed to feeling like that. I’m supposed to be doing that which makes me happy and fulfilled. Cock. So, voice in my head, take a mother fucking hike. Shove it. Your services are no longer needed here. And while I made it very appealing for you to hang around, I don’t feel like it anymore. so... buh bye. And don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

For a while there I was meditating more regularly, even if it was for 5 or 10 minutes, then I stopped... again. And, surprise surprise, I started feeling stuck again. I’d rather feel free and purposeful. So, Dear today- feel free to excite me, surprise me, and delight me for I am waiting with open and loving arms for your treasures.

Not a lengthy entry, but an entry none the less.

Peace bitches.

Connection

Our society has evolved (if you can call it evolution) far, far faster than our bodies and minds have. The last 20 years we have gone from using telephones attached to wall, to using phones that can do everything for us short of wiping our asses or cooking a meal. And I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s an app for that in the works. Texting has made us even less able to deal with life. Since when have we become so unable to simply talk to one another? And I’m not referring to times when it’s appropriate or more efficient. Texting and email can be incredible time saving tools. What I’m talking about are the times when you’re laying in bed, or sitting on your couch IMing or texting someone that you could JUST as easily be taking to. What is going on with people that we can’t just pick up the phone and talk to each other???? Again, I’m not talking about that random stranger in a chat room, I wouldn’t want them having my phone number either. But IMing with your Mom, your best friend, your lover or partner?? What the fuck ever happened to connection? CONNECTION people! In a very short time we have gone from being a society where we connected with each other, whether it was a family dinner or sitting at a bus stop, to a society that spends sickening amounts of time in front of computers and game screens. Our whole lives and interactions with our environment have become, and are becoming even more so, canned, prepackaged and sequestered.

Rarely is there one parent working. Most often both parents have jobs, and some even have more than one job. Kids are shuffled from school, to soccer practice, to violin lessons, to play dates and are on schedules. Since when in fucking holy hell did it become socially acceptable for a CHILD to be on a schedule? I’ll tell you when. Since it became essential to our SURVIVAL for both parents to work, Since our public schools became so incredibly DEFUNDED that they can’t even afford to FEED THE CHILDREN THAT ATTEND THEM or have a fucking gym or music class! These tiny replicas of ourselves are OUR FUTURE. THESE are the people that are going to be wiping OUR asses when we get to old and decrepit to do it ourselves! Where is the disconnect? What are we teaching the future generation about connection? Connecting to others is what fosters compassion. When we SEE the face of that homeless person begging for a quarter for a meal. When we SEE the elderly woman who has fallen down and no one is stopping to help her back up. We learn how to CARE through connecting with others, and other living things. Silence is the voice of complicity. I don’t even have children and sometimes I feel like I’m a freak when I get outraged at how fucked up our priorities as a society have become.

Of course there are those of us who wouldn’t think twice about helping an elderly woman up, or giving a quarter to a hungry homeless person. But I have to wonder what makes a person NOT want to do those things? What makes someone yell violently at stopped traffic? Is there really anything that anyone can do about it? What makes teenagers bully those that are more tender and seemingly “different” than themselves? A very simplified answer would be: connection. There is a sever lack of it in our society today.

It is all to easy to get caught up in our own worlds. Especially when it’s increasingly difficult just to make ends meet, let alone take a vacation or some free time to simply breathe. But, I have to believe that if we took, even just once a week, 10 seconds to smile at someone, or let the person behind us in line at the grocery store who has one or two items go ahead of us, people will want to pay that forward. Every time we choose to be kind to someone, everyone involved feels ease, joy, gratitude etc. And conversely, every time we yell, scream or create tension, often that gets taken out on others down the line. Maybe you had a bad day at work, you come home and take it our on your dog, who is truly innocent and lives to love and adore you. Just imagine what your life, and the world would be like if you took the time to be kind to others. What would it look like? How would you feel about what you have done with your day, week, or life if you chose to smile?

Food for thought.

Totally random, Totally drunk. But don't you think that sometimes in "THOSE" moment's you are also totally honest?? I do. This is going to rub A LOT of mother fuckers the wrong way, but, sometimes I think getting older means that you inevitably piss people off. And you know what? I'm so fucking OK with that. Right now honesty is a fucking scarce commodity. A commodity (according to Wikipedia is) "a good for which there is demand, but which is supplied without qualitative differentiation across a market. Commodities are substances that come out of the earth and maintain roughly a universal price.[1]It is fungible, i.e. equivalent no matter who produces it. " And, subsequently as humans are we not "products of the Earth"??? I believe we are. And as such, naturally produce personal truths that cannot disputed outside the realm of our particular personal realities. Therefor require kindred spirits to support our reality.

What the FUCK does this all mean?? You are only as right as the people around you. THAT'S what that means.... fucking bitches. I'm a firm believer in 'do what you know' and believe that If you don't, who else is going to buy your bullshit? Right, NO ONE. Including YOU. Dare I say: LEAST OF ALL you. For the sake of y'all and for myself, I'm calling it a night. Don't be a fake piece of shit, because you, and everyone else will know that you're full of shit. Big shit at that. Keep it real mother fuckers, or kiss your dreams goodbye.......

7/18/10

I haven’t written in a very long time. I’ve been uninspired, over worked, and have had A LOT going on in my life. I’ve had so much going on internally and externally that I have just been going on auto-pilot for the last several months. I have felt spiritually numb, undirected, disconnected from God and have felt my ability to calm my mind slipping away with every day I don’t take time to meditate.

I have a paychic/spiritual healer I see when the crows tell me to go. Yes, the crows tell me to. Normally crows aren’t all up in my business, but when it’s time for me to see Christine, they sit on my fence and stare at me, land right in front of me and stare at me, and randomly walk right in the center of foot paths and driveways. It may sound silly, but it’s what happens, and they are always right.

So, per the crows demand, I emailed Christine. We find a time, we meet, and I tell her what has been going on with me and how discombobulated I have been and she says to me “Like maybe it’s not you?’” And me being who I am, I am reluctant to shun responsibility for my actions and say, “well, I certainly haven’t felt like myself” In short, she tells me that I may have spirits clinging to me who are lost. Interesting. No disrespect here, but what the fuck? I have fucking spirits stuck to me??? How the fuck does that happen? At any rate we go about getting these lost ones home. I won’t bore you with all the details, mostly because I don’t feel like writing that much, and it’s not like anyone is reading thing blog anyway.... fuckers. Just kidding. I digress.

We go about getting the lost ones home and I am required to channel for them. This is something I have never done before in my life. But I feel changes coming on that are changing me in ways I never imagined. Actually, that’s not really true. I have imagined them, I’ve imagined them explicitly, and now they are happening. Channeling was an very real and surreal experience at the same time. It was just as though I were talking to a friend and stranger. It was clear to me what they were saying, and that at times they didn’t know how to put what they were feeling into words but I could also very clearly feel what they were feeling.

At any rate, since that healing I have felt more grounded and directed than I have in a very long time. I feel WAY more connected to the Universe and feel like I have regained my ability to listen to it. I have connected more deeply to my spirit guides and we talk almost every day. They made me promise to meditate every day, twice a day. And I was doing well with that until I went to Philadelphia for a self defense instructors conference. And now I need to get back on that horse.

In one meditation I was asked to envision myself in 10 years. I was relieved to see that I had not aged a ton, but you could tell I was older. I had something on my nose, like a scar, or growth or something. The hit I got on that was that it was from not wearing sunscreen. But I was on a farm/compound/piece of land. There were lots of animals, a house, barn, studio and lots and lots of space to train. It was like an outdoor kung fu school. I was pleased to see this, and asked “But how am I paying for this?” in return I got a very clear and emphatic “BOOKS!” I was like ‘what the fuck?’ seriously? Books? But I’m not a writer!! Whatever. Despite the fact that I have been told by three psychics that I am going to write a book, and now my spirit guides, I still don’t see how that is going to happen. But what the fuck ever, they have my best interests at heart, and would never steer me wrong. I just don’t know what I’m going to write about... see, now they’re saying “that isn’t true! You have many ideas!” And, in fact, that is true. So, here I go. Where this journey is going to take me, I have no fucking idea. But, I’m on it, and ready to learn all I can from it. It’s funny how we need some poignant or delineated experience to make us feel like we have direction, when in fact, we are always on our path wherever we are. We are always, always, ALWAYS doing exactly what we need to be doing to let our lives unfold the way they are supposed to. Even when, and perhaps even especially, when we feel lost and misguided. It is usually only in those moments we are poised to listen more carefully guidance. OK, I’m done for now. Peace out.

Love, bow down to it.

There’s this teen in the aikido class I assist in. He’s maybe 15 or 16. It’s very clear that he spends a lot of time in some sort of fantasy world, perhaps video games, animae, or something. He’s disturbed and acts out in very inappropriate and disrespectful ways. The sad thing is, I can see that he’s desperate for attention and love. And I really believe that if someone would take the time to find a way to connect with him, I think he would be a brilliant young man. I can see that he’s got some sort of gift, and that he has enormous potential for something. But, it’s not my job or even desire to be that person. It’s sad to me, because I really do see a tender, gifted person under all of his disrespect and bad behavior. Another thing that has struck me, is my brother. He is clearly head over cock in love with Laurie. It has turned him from a bitter, angry, pessimistic, negative man into a lovesick teenage BOY. And when I say boy, I mean boy. For such a ball scratching, beer drinking, tool having, car loving MAN that he is, he will sell his soul for what he perceives to be “the love of a good woman” Suddenly, he’s going to church, speaking poetically, and dare I say.... HAPPY? And of course I’m happy that he has found a way to be uplifted by life and be inspired to be a better human being. I’m just sad that he’s not able to find that inspiration in himself. That he doesn’t seem to have the awareness that that feeling he has is already alive in him despite the fact if there’s a “good woman” around to bring it out of him or not.

Love is truly a transformational force. And I am not immune to it’s sway. Nor am I so different from my brother in how far I will go to entice love to live in me. Nor was I so different from that teen in my aikido class when I was his age. Perhaps that’s why he sticks out to me, and why he gets under my skin.... in fact, I’m sure of it.

Ahhhh that’s nice, sitting in the sun, writing. I still miss sitting on my deck at my old apartment, but, as one might surmise, I do NOT miss the hippies. That’s alright, they’ve served their purpose, and I’m in my own, beautiful home. And still sitting in the sun writing. What as I talking about..... oh yes, the power of love. Unstoppable, irreverent and irrespective of status, intellect or profession, it has its way with us, and we submit to its every whimsy. Willingly I might add. And every so often unconsciously. We find ourselves waking in the middle of the night longing for another’s touch and comfort. The mightiest among us find ourselves helpless to defend ourselves against it. When love approaches, we find ourselves scrambling to rally our defenses in order to spare ourselves the failure or our dignity. What other force on Earth can make us do things we swore we would never do? What other desire can make us risk every single thing we own or perceive ourselves to be for it’s presence in our lives? None other than love can do this to us.

Love is the one thing that can makes us destroy all that stands between us and it. And we do so willingly. When all else fails to bring us out of despair, self loathing and deprecation, love hails it’s banner and we hear it’s cry for action. And for those of us who push it away as though it were an angry wasp, are those who desire it most. Why do we convince ourselves, and falsely so, that there is nothing about love that is worth risking our misery? Why are we so comfortable in the cold and dark absence of love? I think that is not that we are more comfortable in misery, but that we fear the loss of love once we have bathed in it’s glory. The unflinching confidence that courses through us when possessed by love is unconquerable and sees no boundaries whatsoever. And the fear that we are powerless without it, is what keeps us from allowing and embracing it. The sad thing is, is that it is merely the key to setting loose that power. A means to tap into that which is lies dormant within every single one of us. We ALL possess the power that love lets loose in us. It would not surface at all if it were not alive and teeming inside of us. I present this simple challenge: How would your life change if you simply allowed yourself to feel love for every living thing, object and situation? Do this for as long as you’d like, a day, a week, a month or for the rest of your life. How much splendor are are you willing to let into your life? How much beauty can you handle in your life? Do you accept this challenge? Let the magic happen, it wants to.

New Year's Ramble... suck it

This is just going to be a rambling, with little editing. A sort of stream of consciousness if you will. So without further adieu....

Yes, I'm sitting by myself, with my dog on New Year's Eve. Up until a couple of hours ago, I had no idea what I was going to do tonight. I wanted to set the tone of the new year with the intention of, and dedication to, following my gut and my bliss. To go with the flow. As I was driving home from work, it became clearer, and clearer that staying in was feeling like the right thing to do. I sat still and tuned in to what I wanted in that very moment...... a Bloody Mary, popcorn bathed in garlic butter, iced tea, and a really good episode of Xena. I held no judgement towards myself for this lack luster New Year's plan, and trusted that it would lead me closer to my destiny. And, that's part humor, and part truth. Sure, it's a funny thought to believe that booze, popcorn and a fictional Amazon woman could lead one to their destiny, but, hear me out...

I feel compelled to, at least semi publicly ramble on about this past year. I realize I'm a fairly private person when it really comes down to it, despite my vibrating façade. I realize I rarely take the time to tell those dear to me how much I love having them in my life, and how much I value their support.

This has been a hell of a year. I have made HUGE quantum leaps in many facets of my life. Love, life, business. And I'm just getting started! I feel like, suddenly, life got a wwhooolllee lot shorter, and I have to make the most of every single minute. I have no catalyst for this... at least not a conscious one. But all of a sudden I feel the fragility and preciousness of life.

Life really is short. The rub is, by the time you realize how short it is, it's half gone. Then you spend the rest of it trying to make up for lost time. Every so often, there's an old soul trapped in a 5 year old that says something WAY beyond their years, and you're left with the distinct feeling that you just stepped into another dimension, for just a minute.

I've been told by 3 psychics that I'm going to write a book. To this day, I don't really like to read. I make jewelry, but don't really wear it. I'm a hairdresser, but never really put effort into making my own look good. I'm a martial artist that wants teach peace and self love.

Polarity=Movement
Embracing ALL duality in life, ensures movement. Acceptance of seemingly contradictory behaviors and beliefs in ourselves, and others, leads to ease in life. Similarly, as we accept successes and failures, good and bad, joy and pain in life, we find balance. Knowing the darkest parts of oneself, leads to deepening one's compassion for others.

I have my eye on the prize. And though I have chosen to be alone tonight, I am not lonely. I am exhilarated by the bounty that awaits me in this year because I have faith. I have faith in myself, in the Universe/God, and faith in the fact that what I have to offer this world will become crystal clear the more I listen to the deepest part of my being.

Thank you. Thank you for those who come and go, for those who come and stay, for those who make us angry, sad, cry, elated, humbled. For everyone who participates in our evolution. This year is BURSTING with excitement to give you exactly what you desire most, but it is up to you to make it clear. We are ALL born to be happy, to be fulfilled, to grow. The unexpected smile you share with someone may change their life. I feel as though my life is changing this very moment, when in fact, it is changing EVERY moment. Carpe Diem!

Now, is the time.

Michelle

I'm sorry, is my VANIGA making you uncomfortable?

11/13/09

  

   Here’s a fucking rant for you. It’s been a while, and I hope I can get this all in before my battery dies on my computer. Why this chaps my hide SO much is a mystery.... ok maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s perfectly clear why it pisses me off so much. WHAT PISSES YOU OFF SO MUCH MICHELLE?!?!?! When people refer to God as HE. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK?!?! I’m sorry, have you actually MET God? Right. NO. So how the FUCK do you know it’s a HE? Right. You don’t. I would like to take this time to remind folks that the Bible was written in a time when women were considered PROPERTY and stoned to death for being RAPED. The insertion of HE to describe God came from a mind set that men were the absolute rulers and women were there to serve them. How convenient for them that God is a male.

   I would apologize for the volatility of this rant, but I’m not really sorry. This rant comes on the heels of a week FULL incidents that have me FED UP with male dominance and privilege- and that includes men of ALL races, not just white men. Somehow, if you have a dick between your legs, you are entitled to the following:

1) touching, gawking, groping, and talking to any female you wish. No matter how much she avoids eye contact with you.

2) Your are automatically given the right to be the first to pass through a 4 way stop, no matter when you actually pulled up to the intersection.

3) When standing in line for anything, you have the right to cut in front of people.

4) And last but not least, you have the natural propensity to sit there and wonder why everyone around you is not kissing your ass and praising you for how fucking brilliant you are.

Oh yea, I forgot this one: You think that you know how to pack moving trucks. You don’t. Men have distorted vision when it come to “making things fit” Please, if there are any men reading, the next time you help someone move, let the women arrange the truck. We’ll get it done in one shot.

But I digress. My butt puckers, just like it did before my mom was going to swat my bare ass with her “paddle” (a thin board with the words “Pat’s beatin’ stick”) when I here anyone, but especially women say “HE” when referring to God. LADIES! And hell- EVERYONE! God does not have a penis OR vagina!!!! For crying out loud!!! WTF?!?!?!? I can’t take it anymore! 

   You may be saying “Michelle, this is funny. But What the FUCK does it have to do with spirituality?” And to that I would say (in the mood I’m in right now) It’s my fucking blog!! I can’t write whatever the fuck I want! But in a different mood, I would say “ it’s about oppression. None of us are free, until ALL of us are free” All of the “isms” suck ass. Racism, classism, ism, ism, ism. But the one that cuts through ALL of that is sexism. In just about every culture and subculture, women are not equal. Lord have mercy when the day comes when women unite and say ENOUGH. We want equal pay, equal rights, equal opportunity etc., etc. This is my hope: That some day, in the not to distant future, ALL of the women in the world will be on the same menstrual cycle. Any men reading this are cringing right now, and women are saying “fuck yea!” Can you imagine? All of the women in the world saying “ENOUGH!!! You mother fuckers are going to learn to cook, talk to me with respect, PAY me the same rate that you get paid, give me that goddamn job that I deserve, and learn to wipe your ASS or wash your OWN fucking laundry!!”..... Terrifying isn’t it?

   But the underlying issue that really sticks in my craw is this: when, where and who taught us that how we’re inequitably treated, it’s  is OK?? And Why? Simple: Patriarchy, and fear. Well, I suppose it can just be boiled down to fear. Fear on men’s parts for losing the power that they so unconsciously hold in our society, and fear on the part of women for learning how powerful we really are. Chew on that on ladies. How many women do you know that constantly sabotage their dreams from coming true? How many of us perpetually set aside ambitions because we never “have the time” and yet find the time to do plenty of other things that aren’t as fulfilling as pursuing our dreams? Fear. That’s what keeps us from these things. 

   Fear is poison. Truer words were never spoken than “we have nothing to fear, but fear itself” Fear keeps us from taking chances, and CHANCES are the ONLY way to grow, evolve, find true love, and be happy. Fearlessness, is the tonic we all crave. Some of us get uncomfortable just thinking about the word. Fears are our guide posts to where we need be looking to find, and bring us closer to our deepest, truest selves. Fear has been used-and is still being used- to control people and to keep those in power, in power. This is everywhere! Governments, abusive relationships, greedy corporate types. These ASSholes use fear and hatred like weapons of mass destruction.... and not just a little bit. That’s EXACTLY what they’re doing!! Destroying our country!!!!  AND THE MASSES ARE JUST BENDING OVER AND TAKING IT UP THE ASS DRY!!!! I’ve been called many things in my life... you name it. And I know that the passion and disgust I display for the direction this country has been taken in makes many people uncomfortable. But guess what? It’s people like me that you can thank when you you don’t have “health” insurance and your kid or mother gets hit by a car and they get taken to the hospital and you don’t have to pay a fucking DIME to save their life. Why? BECAUSE WE’RE FIGHTERS!!! The world needs those who are willing to stand up and say ENOUGH! 

   I’m a fighter. A warrior. Someone who stands up for what I believe in, and am willing to take a stand when something is seriously FUCKED. For a looong time I tried to stuff that warrior and fighter. I was made to believe that that part of myself was bad and should be contained. Why? BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH A VAGINA!!! If I was  a DUDE I would simply be.... passionate or strong. I would be a protector. I would be...... righteous.

   I always come back to this analogy: Sometimes, the bully on the playground doesn’t stop until he gets his ass kicked. Then he shuts the fuck up. I am not advocating perpetuating the cycle of violence, but I have this very clear memory of when I was a little kid. My mom was cooking something, and I decided that it would be fun to go up behind her and bite her ass. I think I was maybe 6 or 7. She screamed in agony, turned right around and bit my arm. Then I screamed. She said “hurts doesn’t it!?!”  “yes” I said through my tears. What’s my point? My point is telling someone calmly that what they are doing or saying hurts, doesn’t mean anything to them if they have no personal experience with that pain. 

   Fact: you never know what someone else may be going through unless you have been there yourself. You can have an appreciation and empathy for it, but the magnitude and scope of their experience is known only to them. 

   And now, I will go back to bed.

This rant is powered by the letter V for VAGINA, menopause, and the fact that women STILL make 73¢ for every dollar a man makes.